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ChaplaincyOne of the most difficult issues for those who have been severely wounded is that of forgiveness. It is also, not surprisingly, one of the most difficult issues for Christian religious groups. I've written on this before. I've struggled over this issue with different people both in person and via E-Mail`
Someone suggested an article that they ran across on the Internet. I still have work to do myself in thinking about it, analyzing it, checking aspects of it for myself. But...it sounds accurate to me. It comes across with the kind of simple truth that causes your mouth to drop open and a light bulb to click on.
As I said, I need to do some checking, but I also wanted to pass this on as soon as possible.
You can link to the article by clicking here. The author's name is Fred Keene.
I continue to stand behind what I've written before, and I'm well aware that there are many who wouldn't agree with what I've said already. But this article suggests an important distinction between the different times that forgiveness is discussed in the New Testament. That has implications for living out our Christian faith. It has implications for our understanding of justice.
Put most simply, for there to be the possibility of forgiveness, or even a sense that our faith calls us to it, the one doing the forgiving must be in an equal or superior position to the one being forgiven. Without that primary component being there, any attempt to try to forgive some major wound is hardly going to be authentic.
The greater the wound and the greater the inequity between me and the abuser, the more difficulty in anything approaching forgiveness. It would have to wait until there was enough healing that I could truly view myself as equal to the abuser. Or I would have to convince myself that the wound wasn't really significant. Or I would have to deny my real limits and see myself as far more powerful to make up for the difference. There would have to be some pretty significant sense of safety in order for forgiveness to be attempted.
Something along that line would have to be in place before there was a movement toward forgiveness, or even the real possibility of it. To put it very lightly, it would have to come from a sense that "I've healed and grown so much that you're no threat -- I could handle 10 of you before breakfast." Or "I really didn't need that leg anyhow -- just a minor problem." Or "Since I'm Superman (or have gotten rich enough, or teach Rangers hand-to-hand combat) you're no threat."
But, since healing can take a lifetime when the wound was in childhood, and since even if I teach Rangers I might be emotionally far more vulnerable, forgiveness may simply not be a possibility for a long time, if ever, when we're talking about an abuser.
The key could be to look at what happens for that same wounded person when there is a situation of equality, without manipulation or other kinds of power trips. When there is that equality, there is often tremendous kindness and graciousness...and yes, forgiveness. It just doesn't even seem to be the same kind of problem. Some abused people have taught me reams about forgiveness....when there's enough balance present for there to be equality. That condition never registered this strongly before. Either I'm incredibly dense, or it's something commonly overlooked.
This would also mean that it would be a further kind of abuse, and incredibly unjust, for a religious group to push for forgiveness without at least equality being first restored. Wouldn't the person thus pushed end up feeling guilty, or emotionally abandoned, or isolated, or somehow "deficient" in not being able to do what everyone else thinks should be so automatic? And, as an effect, wouldn't the person end up in even a less secure position than before the pushing?
As a hospital Chaplain, I know how quickly a patient's sense of equality and personal integrity goes out the window. You enter the hospital, and people take your clothes away and then start telling you what they're going to do to you. The toughest, most assertive corporate exec can feel humiliated and powerless in a manner of minutes. What would it take for there to be a return or development of a sense of personal equality in situations of abuse? Not to mention social attitudes that tend to dump on the victim.
There's a second idea that someone wrote to me about recently. In summary, in wrestling with the issue of forgiveness, the person reached the point of saying "I'm never going to get this sorted out in a way that would be honest with myself and with God. It is hurting me and getting in the way of my healing. I hereby turn this over to Christ. Christ, I trust your judgement and your sense of justice in all this. I agree to accept whatever your determination ends up being about my abuser. I turn all this over to you."
What do you think?